Introduction
For as long as I can remember, I was taught repeatedly that, “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” Therefore, if I received a poor test grade, my teachers would admonish me to try again. Usually the strategy of “try, try again” worked. After all, there were times when my initial failure was caused by the fact that I hadn’t invested enough effort or thought into whatever it was that I was trying to accomplish. I vividly recall how with a bit more effort I was able to change a failing grade in geometry to an excellent grade.
Yet there have also been many times when the “try, try” strategy did not work. No matter how hard I tried to eliminate certain destructive habits I ended up falling right into their trap. It was however when I began studying dialectics that I came to the jarring realization that in my desire to improve my life, I had failed to recognize the limitations of “try, try again”. Indeed, I needed to stop trying so hard and to figure out some other way to get the job done. The new philosophy became, “if at first you don’t succeed, TRY SOMETHING ELSE”.
I share this discovery as a way to introduce mindfulness skills. In my work with individuals with borderline personality disorder, I am consistently amazed at how committed my patients are to making their lives work for them. In many cases they have made super human effort to better themselves. Usually, and by no fault of their own, success however is beyond them. Lesser people would have given up the fight.
This chevra however keeps on going.
Kol hakavod.
Yet, there comes a time however when a better way is needed. Otherwise, my patients (and myself) are going to keep on failing to attain whatever it was that we want.
Mindfulness skills are that better way.
Mindfulness is often thought to be the product of a religious discipline that had its origins in the Far East. The fact is however that mindfulness techniques claim no specific author or origin. Indeed, with careful analysis of authentic Jewish sources, we can readily see how they are reflected in the practical wisdom of mindfulness. That people as far away as China have discovered that which the timeless Torah has been telling us only confirms the validity of these techniques.
So what is mindfulness? In a nutshell, mindfulness is a way to solve problems that makes use of mental skills as opposed to physical efforts. Mindfulness does not take the place of regular problem solving skills. Rather it gives the mind, the most important part of every problem solving exercise, the tools for it to do its job.
Consider opening a jar of grape jam as an example of how mindfulness skills and regular problem solving skills come together.
The physical skills of opening a jar or jam are obvious: grasp the jar with one hand, grasp the lid with the other hand, and then twist clockwise. Yet, these steps fail to take into account that there is a mind connected to those arms. What if the jar doesn’t open? What if I prefer raspberry jam instead of grape? What if I am not hungry altogether? What if the jar slips out of my hand and lands on my big toe and then breaks, covering me with grape jam and shards of glass?
It is thus evident that the physical instructions of opening the jar of jam are woefully inadequate to help. And this is where mindfulness comes in. Mindfulness offers tools that guide the mind through everything from opening a jar of jam to getting married to dealing to life threatening illnesses to death itself.
So what are the mindfulness skills? They are:
1. Follow the rules of the mind
2. Observe
3. Describe
4. Focus
5. Participate
6. Non-Judgmental
7. Effectively
8. Treat your mind right
Each of these skills will be explained in the coming pages.
Mindfulness Skill #1 Follow The Rules Of The Mind
Where do you live?
Most people would answer that seemingly simple question with their mailing address. Mindfulness however says that the most accurate answer to where we live our lives is in our minds.
Allow me to explain:
People generally believe that whatever occurs to them, occurs in the world outside of themselves.
Walking down the street, a passing stranger smiles in my direction. I feel welcomed.
Or getting onto a city bus, the driver rudely tells me to hurry up even as I struggle with my grocery bags. I am angered and hurt by his behavior.
Since the passerby and the bus driver exist outside of me, is it not reasonable to attribute my reaction in both cases to their friendliness or rudeness? Mindfulness however teaches that what other people do is irrelevant to my feelings and thoughts. That is because mindfulness says that I am fully in charge of my thoughts and feelings. In other words, in the view of mindfulness, my mind is my own private world to furnish as I decide to. Events that occur around me including others’ behavior, whether positive or negative, may offer me ideas on how I could feel if I wished to,
BUT I am free to feel as I wish.
For most of us, the idea that we are fully in charge of our feelings and thoughts may seem absurd. After all, we have been victimized time and again by invalidating family members and acquaintances for as long as we can remember. We know how terrible we feel when someone says something insulting to us. We also know how terrific we have felt when someone has complemented us. All of the evidence seems to point to the fact that our minds are controlled by the outside world.
Or does it?
Let’s try an experiment. Let’s say that yesterday you bought a lottery ticket. The jackpot was two hundred million dollars. This morning you checked the winning number and miracle of miracles, you had the correct number.
You had won the lottery!!! You’re a millionaire!!!
You run through the streets with absolute glee. A family member calls you on your cell phone and begins haranguing your for some reason or another. Your boss insults your work. Neither person however can touch you. You are utterly euphoric.
Finally, you go to the lottery outlet to claim your prize. You pull out your lottery ticket and check the numbers again. It is then however that you notice something that you hadn’t seen earlier.
You see that in fact you are off by one number.
Argh!! You haven’t won the lottery. What a let down. What a disappointment.
But hold it! Why then were you so ecstatic if you hadn’t really won the lottery? You didn’t have the correct number! Why get so excited?
“Ah”, you’ll respond, “I thought that I had the winning number.”
“Exactly!” I would respond, “Your glee was not due to something that occurred outside. After all, on the outside world, you were a lottery loser. Your glee however happened in your mind.”
It is not a simple thing to accept that the universe exists inside the mind. Yet for individuals with borderline personality disorder embracing this truth about the universe spells the difference between life and misery. Mindfulness, or living within the mind, offers us real peace, safety, and the strength that we need to live lives of authenticity and love.
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© 5770 by Joshua Mark, PhD. Please email joshmark@zahav.net.il to learn how you may or may not use these materials.